Political Ravings of a Certifiable Card-Carrying Liberaltic

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Debate Analysis - McCain Statements

Prayers go out to the lion of the senate - that's the nicest thing you've ever called Senator Kennedy.

Everybody will lose their jobs, credits and houses if we don't fix the greatest fiscal crisis I've seen in our time - and I've been around a little while. - Everyone's a (fear-mongering) comedian.

This isn't the beginning of the end, it's the end of the beginning of the crisis - doesn't that just set it back about 30 seconds?

We've got a lot of work to do. We've got to create jobs and eliminate our dependence on foreign oil - in response to a question about fixing the banking problem. Maybe dependence on local oil is the answer.

I hope so. - Answer to question "Are you going to vote for the recovery (700 billion dollar) plan?" - Does he hope he might be present for this vote, hope he'll remember what he's voting about, or hope he can get his junior senator to sneak in a bunch of earmarks so that he can vote yes on it?

Sure - Confused Jim Lehrer clarifies the question, "you'll vote for it as a United States Senator?" - or maybe he's looking to rile Johnny up into saying something like, "No, as a goddammed American Idol judge. Jesus, who writes these questions?"

I warned about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac... A lot of us saw this train wreck coming. - As US Senators we like to set up lawn chairs with popcorn. Train wrecks are cool.

President Eisenhower, on the night before the Normandy invasion, went into his room, and he wrote out two letters. - One real, and one that I made up for this anecdote.

Somehow we've lost that accountability. - That accountability that I made up in the fable about Eisenhower. It's been lost somewhere. Maybe it's here in my pocket...

People are going to be held accountable in my administration. - Like Eisenhower would have if he'd failed on D-Day and held himself accountable in my fictitious little yarn earlier.

Are you afraid I couldn't hear [what Senator Obama said] - In response to Jim Lehrer telling Barrack to address John directly. "SENATOR MCCAIN! DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID ON?"

I have a fundamental belief in the goodness and strength of the American worker. And the American worker is the most productive, the most innovative. America is still the greatest producer, exporter and importer. - Because nothing panders to the jingoistic crowd like nationalistic platitudes. All together now; U!, S!, A!, U!, S!, A!

And I still believe, under the right leadership, our best days are ahead of us. - Under the wrong leadership, we'll stray from the path of righteousness and abort all the babies, marry a similar gendered mate, burn all the flags, hire illegals to do our yard work, legalize marry-je-wanna and invite terrorists into our homes as "therapy".

We have now presided over the largest increase in the size of government since the Great Society. - yeah! Remember when those democrats tried to eliminate poverty and racial injustice - with your taxpayer money? What were they thinking. Education, transportation, medical care and urban problems! Those damn socialists. Why can't they spend money on real stuff like wars and bailouts?

The worst symptom on this disease is what my friend, Tom Coburn, calls earmarking as a gateway drug, because it's a gateway. It's a gateway to out-of-control spending and corruption. - What's worse? Calling Coburn a friend, or the slippery slope to non sequiturs. Isn't pork the symptom of spending (out-of-control or otherwise)? - "The first earmark's free. You'll be back for more."

We have former members of Congress now residing in federal prison because of the evils of this earmarking and pork-barrel spending. - Not because they were bad people who lie, cheat and steal. They were sucked into the powerful temptation of the easy earmark. How many lives have you crushed with your wily ways?!

You know, we spent $3 million to study the DNA of bears in Montana. I don't know if that was a criminal issue or a paternal issue, but the fact is that it was $3 million of our taxpayers' money. And it has got to be brought under control. - Ha ha - Criminal or paternal. That's high-larious... The really funny thing is the money was to see if we could take the bears off the endangered species list so we could start killing them again and exploit the land they lived on. Cheapest $3 million dollars we ever spent.

I want to assure you, I've got a pen. This one's kind of old. I've got a pen, and I'm going to veto every single spending bill that comes across my desk. - I'm not even going to read it. If it doesn't turn a profit or privatize something (like the mortgage industry), it's dead. Bob Dole gave me this pen. Where's my pen?

I will make them famous. You will know their names. - (Those earmark spending bill drafters). I hope he means infamous. "Senator Stevens! Come on down! It's your chance to win a million dollars if the price is right!"

A million dollars for every day that he's been in the United States Senate. - This is supposedly excess (earmark) money that has been spent in the last 6 years (in Illinois or the entire US?). Does this statistic insinuate that Senator Obama is responsible for this $2.2 billion in extra spending. This might have sounded like a lot of money a couple of weeks ago, but 700 billion plus another 300 for Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, etc. makes this sound kind of petty especially compared to the $300 billion in tax credits you're proposing for wealthy corporations.

Do you know that it's (earmarks) tripled in the last five years? Do you know that it's gone completely out of control to the point where it corrupts people? It corrupts people. - Sometimes I wake up at three in the morning and run down to the fridge looking for earmarks. YUM!

I have fought against it. I was called the sheriff, by senior members of the Appropriations Committee. I didn't win Miss Congeniality in the United States Senate. - But I was runner-up three years in a row. Damn you Senator Thurmond! Of course by the time you dropped out of the running, Senator Byrd became the juicy tart of the whip so I just gave up. Being sheriff is nice though. I got to wear a badge and a big hat.

Senator Obama didn't mention that, along with his tax cuts, he is also proposing some $800 billion in new spending on new programs. - He didn't mention it because you pulled that number out of your butt. Maybe I could be president if I said, "Senators McCain and Obama are proposing $800 quadrajillion in spending on new programs and they want to devour your first born child with a nice chianti."

The worst thing we could do in this economic climate is to raise people's taxes. - Really? The worst thing? I'll bet I could think of ten worse things than that. Take away their jobs, give their children and pets poison Chinese products, conveniently forget to help them after a hurricane, send their children to die in an illegal foreign occupation, make gasoline cost $4 a gallon, focus on stupid non-issues like gay marriage and immigration instead of health care and energy costs.

American business pays the second-highest business taxes in the world, 35 percent. Ireland pays 11 percent. - Why should businesses pay to operate in the best country with the best workers in the world? Shouldn't we just burden those workers so they will move to a different country? If we can shift the burden to the worker then we can get new businesses to move in here and hire H1B visa people from their countries and outsource from within while still disenfranchising the American worker.

I know that the worst thing we could possibly do is to raise taxes on anybody, and a lot of people might be interested in Senator Obama's definition of "rich." - His definition of rich is anyone with a prosperous, meaningful life with a loving and nurturing family. He wants to tax the spiritually rich people so if you think you're happy, you better watch your back. Barrack is coming to tax you away!

We had an energy bill before the United States Senate. It was festooned with Christmas tree ornaments. - It was very pretty and we all knelt and prayed to it for several weeks before we realized it wasn't going to pass itself. Funny thing, it was the middle of July.

Who fought against wasteful and earmark spending? Who was the person who tried to keep spending under control? Who's the person who believed the best thing for America is to have a tax system that is fundamentally fair? - ??? Shaft?

We've got to cut spending. We've let government get completely out of control. - Who do those guys in congress think they are with their spending and voting? It makes me sick!

Senator Obama has the most liberal voting record in the Senate. It's hard to reach across the aisle from that far to the left. - RIMSHOT - I'm here all week folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

How about a spending freeze on everything but defense, veteran affairs and entitlement programs? - Really? Delay education, no more loans, no elections, no federal prisons, no IRS, no funding for courts? What about right to a speedy trial? FDA, FCC, FAA, OSHA? Just take a 6 month leave (unpaid of course). Maybe this was just a joke. Oh crap, he's ad-libbing again. Someone get his medication!

Look, we are sending $700 billion a year overseas to countries that don't like us very much. - We can't buy their love? There's a million movie examples of why this doesn't work. We have to woo them with beautiful poems and sincere love. Remember when Steve Martin fell in love with Daryl Hannah? If he hadn't worried so much about his big nose, she would have totally just fallen for him. This message is so fundamental that the French even copied this movie (not as funny, but an interesting interpretation) with that Green Card guy. We gotta stop the bleeding.

A healthy economy with low taxes (not raising anyone's taxes) is the best recipe for eventually having our economy recover. - OK, so as long as we start with a healthy economy we'll eventually have our enconomy recover (to be not healthy)? Does no one listen to these words you say with that mouth on your face in the middle of your head sitting squarely on those shoulders wobbling around and around and around? Argh!

We owe China $500 billion. - Again, this used to sound like a lot of money until you just decided you could pull $700 billion out of your butt (overnight) to help some rich banker people. $500 billion to China? We'll just start packing our lunch instead of eating that expensive fast food.

It's well-known that I have not been elected Miss Congeniality in the United States Senate nor with the administration. - Actually with the administration I was elected Miss Delightful twice and I did win Congeniality once, but they revoked my crown when they found out about the collagen injections. I petitioned the pageant academy that it was no different than the botox Senator Clinton used to win the year before, but the rules were explicitly clear.

I have a long record and you know very well that I'm a maverick of the Senate and I'm happy to say that I've got a partner that's a good maverick along with me now. - Pow, pow! I'm a cowboy and this is my cowgirl pardner! Here's my six shooter. I'm the sheriff and she's Miss Congeniality. We're going to fix everything. We've got traditional values, so Miss Palin will be cooking and cleaning and doing all the White House work. We're really going to clean things up and by "we" I mean "she".

Part II - Tomorrow...


Blogger ATXD said...

"You know, we spent $3 million to study the DNA of bears in Montana. I don't know if that was a criminal issue or a paternal issue, but the fact is that it was $3 million of our taxpayers' money. And it has got to be brought under control."

The funny part is that McCain voted for that bill without objection.

2:28 AM, September 28, 2008

Blogger yojinnbo said...

Awesome! I love it. Thanks for the comment!

3:48 AM, September 28, 2008


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