Debate Analysis - McCain Take III

Part III - The next part of the debate (McCain transcript in blue - Comments in white)

I won't repeat the mistake I regret enormously; after we were able to help the Afghan freedom fighters drive the Russians out of Afghanistan, we basically washed our hands of the region. - This time we're going to take a shower and wash our whole bodies free of the region. That stuff gets everywhere.

The result was the Taliban, al Qaeda, and difficulties we are facing today. So we can't ignore those lessons of history. - These are resources like poppies and oil that we could have exploited if we'd just been involved in their development.

The Pakistanis have to understand that the bombing of the Marriott Hotel in Islamabad was a signal from terrorists that they don't want their government to cooperate with us (US) in combating the Taliban and jihadist elements. - Reading hotel bombings is a lost art like tea leaves and phrenology. There are very few of us left that are able to divine the true meaning.

I don't think that Senator Obama understands that there was a failed state in Pakistan when Musharraf came to power. - I'm just reading his mind right now, but that's one of my super-powers which is another reason you should elect me King, er, I mean President.

Everybody who was around then, and had been there, and knew about it knew that it was a failed state. - Which is why we have to coddle the head of the army that took over the government from a democratically elected prime minister and who then twice suspended the constitution. Perv is my buddy. I've been there. I've talked to him... in person. We shook hands. He knows how to run a coup. Arrest political dissidents and human rights activists. Shut down and take over the media. With only five (reported) concerted attempts to assassinate him, he's one of the most likable leaders in Pakistani history.

But let me tell you, this business about bombing Iran, let me tell you my record; - I have this speech impediment when I sing that changes R's to M's which is why some Beach Boys songs (my favorite group by the way) sound a little funny at Karaoke. Just the first "R" because bombing Oman would be worse than bombing Iran since they're supposedly our friends.

The person I admired the most and still admire the most, Ronald Reagan, wanted to send Marines into Lebanon. - Luckily I voted against that so that I could pander to you right now and tell you I voted against it right before 300 marines were killed in a suicide bombing. Also, I was able to name drop Ronald Reagan. Did I mention I admire him the most?

And then we had Somalia, then the first Gulf War. I supported that. I supported going into Bosnia. - Darfur? Where's that? Africa? Why would we want to go to Africa? What? Somalia was in Africa too? Are you sure? Even back in 1992? Maybe I wouldn't have supported it then.

I supported what we did in Kosovo. I supported it because ethnic cleansing and genocide was taking place there. - I did wait until it was over to support it because it's always good to see which way the wind is blowing, but better late than never. It was still fun to criticize Clinton for being such a sissy boy. He's in touch with his feminine nurturing side. A war of compassion. But yeah, I supported it. Genocide usually isn't good.

And Somalia, I opposed that we should turn from a peacekeeping force into a peacemaking force. - Because peace, like money, is easier to keep than make. I tried it once. I got this really cool color printer, but I put a picture of me on the hundred dollar bill and that didn't go over very well. Lucky I had some friends in the right places or I could have done some time for that one. It was Keating's idea. There are some perqs to being a Senator. I can't wait to see what a President gets. Do you think the mints on your pillow get any bigger? Imagine a mint the size of Ted Kennedy's head! Whoa!

I have a record of being involved in national security issues, which involve the highest responsibility and the toughest decisions that any president can make; to send our young men and women into harm's way. - I tried to send our old men and women into harm's way once, but they know better. Did you ever wonder why harm has a way and why would you send someone purposely into it? Hopefully you would warn them about it and show them how to skirt it or bridge it. Maybe we could build a tunnel under it.

A woman said, "Senator McCain, I want you to do me the honor of wearing a bracelet with my son's name on it." - I wish I'd talked to my advisors before I answered her because now I've got over 4,000 of these bracelets. I asked if I could just get one bracelet with all their names really really small on it, but I guess it's not the same. It's lucky I couldn't really use this arm anyway, but I sure am building up this bicep.

She said, "But, Senator McCain, promise me one thing; do everything in your power to make sure my son's death was not in vain." - I said, "No problem. I'll use it as an anecdote to get elected." And my opponent says I have trouble following through on promises.

They all say to me that we don't want defeat. - This is really surprising because based on most of the poll results I've been reading, at least one in three Americans does want defeat so when every mother I talked to said they didn't want the defeat I began to wonder. Was it statistically possible that all these women didn't want defeat? I don't know. I don't do math or computers.

I was in a war where we had an Army. It wasn't through any fault of their (not our) own, but they (not we) were defeated. I know how hard it is for a military to recover from that. And it did and we will win this one and we won't come home in defeat and dishonor and probably have to go back if they fail. - Because that would be really tough on these guys psychologically if we don't let them win. I know it's not a war. It's just an occupation and how do you win an occupation? If we brought these men home now, they would be so upset that their police action devolved into a civil war they would kick their dogs and yell at their wives. They would neglect their children or expect them to not give up if they were mired in a quagmire of homework. There's no telling how much this would cost in therapy. Maybe a billion dollars. Can you imagine? Then as soon as they get better we'd probably have to send them back. Awkward!

But the important thing is -- the important thing is I traveled to Waziristan and I know what our security requirements are. We will prevail in Afghanistan, but we need the new strategy and we need it to succeed. But the important thing is, if we suffer defeat in Iraq it will have a calamitous effect in Afghanistan. Senator Obama doesn't seem to understand there is a connection between the two. - Did I mention the important thing? About going to Wario-land? Obama thinks we can use the troops from Iraq to win in Afghanistan. The young are so naive. Hasn't he heard of a little thing called the Domino Theory? When will they learn?

If Iran acquires nuclear weapons, it is an existential threat to the State of Israel because the other countries in the region will feel a compelling requirement to acquire nuclear weapons as well. - With this existential threat comes an existential crisis and an existential angst which is actually an existential fallacy, but who's really paying attention? We're all curled up in a fetal position and John McCain is probably more like all our fathers than Barrack Obama, so he'll make everything better (just like he did in our childhood).

Now we cannot have a second Holocaust. - A shout out (HOLLA) to my Jew brothers. We got your back.

But have no doubt; the Iranians continue on the path to acquire a nuclear weapon as we speak tonight. And it is a threat not only in this region but around the world. - This is actually classified information that I'm not supposed to tell you, but since there's an election around the corner and a little fear never hurt anyone, I'll tell just you. Don't spread it around though. I could get in a butt-load of trouble.

Senator Kyl had an amendment in order to declare the Republican Guard in Iran as a sponsor of terror. Senator Obama said that would be provocative. - Serious? How could declaring the army of a democratic country terrorists be considered provacative. He is so naive. Provacative? Really?

But have no doubt about the ultimate result of them acquiring nuclear weapons. - They would never bother sending a missile into Israel with a conventional warhead. We all know they are just waiting until they can do it with style. I know they have missiles that can reach Jerusalem, but sending 100 small bombs isn't as cool as one big one, so they're waiting. You say, "That doesn't make any sense", but my logic doesn't have to make sense to you. I'm John McCain and I'm older than dirt so I know better.

I'm not going to set the White House visitors schedule before I'm president of the United States. I don't even have a seal yet. - Oh no you dit-unt! Snap! Does it burn Senator Obama? Let's see that seal now. Boo yeah!

Too much stuff to work with. Looks like we'll have a Part IV now...