Political Ravings of a Certifiable Card-Carrying Liberaltic

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

2005: a reflection

January 7th - Brad and Jen Announce Split
She was a Bush supporter. It all makes sense now!

January 20th - Inauguration of the Recumbent Incumbent
Now the gloves are coming off.

Remember the "Environmental and Clean Energy Inaugural Ball" that cost us $17.3 million just in security costs and at least another $40 million in donations?

Don't worry, they're working together to build a better tomorrow.

January 30th - Elections in Iraq
Who am I voting for? Anonymous elections? Now the violence will end...

February 3rd - Alberto "Hector" Gonzales is the new Attorney General
Wow! The most qualified candidate Attorney General was his personal attorney. What a coincidence. I wonder if he has any friends that would make a good judge.

February 12th - Howard Dean to save the day!
Finally we have a spine. Things can only get better.

February 15th - Michael Chertoff: Secretary of Homeland Security
Co-Author of the Patriot Act? Maybe he can pick a good guy to run FEMA.

February 16th - Kyoto Protocol Begins

Except for the United States and Australia where they don't have green house gasses anyway. "We don't believe in them."

February 17th - John Negroponte is appointed National Intelligence Director
More Skull and Bones buddies. Covert funding of the Contras provides excellent background experience for a role in intelligence.

March 1st - Supreme Court says Death Penalty Unconstitutional for Minors
Uh Oh! If they make it unconstitutional to execute the retarded, then Texas won't be able to kill anybody (except tourists - but who would vacation in Texas?). Better find someone to replace O'Connor quick.

March 2nd - 60 day "Fix Social Security" tour begins:
Private Accounts - The answer to your retirement worries, if you're a gambling man.

March 3rd - Steve Fossett Around the World!
How about coming up with some alternative fuels. Then I'll be impressed.

March 7th - John Bolton: Newly Nominated Plenipotentiary to the United Nations
... about avoiding the war by going to Yale in 1970:
I had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy. I considered the war in Vietnam already lost - John Bolton, 1994
March 17th - Senate says it's ok to drill in Alaska
Nobody goes there anyway and most of the time it's really cold.
How old is that Senator Stevens? Shouldn't he be dead already?

March 31st - Dr. Frist owes Terri Schiavo an Apology
What's he a doctor of? Doctor of Rugs? Doctor of Love? I think it's a Doctorate of Dumbassery, or maybe he's a D.O.

April 2nd - Pope John Paul II leaves us for a better place
Few people have done more for peace.

April 13th - House Votes to Repeal Death Tax
Hope this passes the senate because I'm planning to leave more than $3.5 Million (where this tax kicks in) to my children, but hopefully by then we'll have no taxes and we'll be burning poor people as a cheap source of renewable energy. (Thanks Steve Fossett!)

April 20th - President Signs Bankruptcy Bill
Another win for the corporatocracy! And speaking of fascists...

April 24th - New Nazi Pope Ratzinger Inaugurated

May 1st - Downing Street Memo Revealed

May 10th - Live Hand Grenade Dud Lands 100 feet from President in Tbilisi, Georgia
Why would someone want to kill the biggest freedom lover in the whole wide world? They hate us for our freedoms.

May 14th - Qur'an Desecration Protests around the world continue from the Newsweek Report
I guess the torture and lack of due process, speedy trial, habeas corpus, etc. weren't a big deal. Well, their heart is in the right place. Fight the power!

June 13th - Michael Jackson Not Guilty
Finally the hostage crisis is over and our TVs and radios are returned relatively unharmed.

June 27th - Thou shalt not display
Well, sometimes you can display.

July 7th - Judith Miller Goes to Jail
Then she figures out that nobody cares and decides to come home. Surely there's a book deal in there somewhere, if only she could find a writer to help her with it.

July 24th - Lance Armstrong wins 7th consecutive Triple Crown without a Horse.

August 2nd - Back to the Ranch
20% of his time in office on vacation? What does he do with all that extra time? Does he have a second job? Another family? Maybe he's working on his time machine or his matter transporter, or he's trying to cure cancer or come up with an alternative fuel.

Recess appointment of John Bolton Ambassador to the United Nations.
Why doesn't he just go ahead and appoint a whole new Senate during the recess?

August 3rd - President signs CAFTA into Law
  • Job creation (just not in the US).
  • Working standards improved (Guatemalan children can now work in Nike sweat shops instead of starving).
  • Free trade (Cheap crap built by slave labor, or just plain slave labor now available for trade)

August 8th - National Energy Bill Signed to Law
What about oil prices or oil alternatives?

August 10th - Highway Pork Bill Signed to Law
I guess we'll have to increase taxes to cover all this pork. Doh!

August 23rd - Pat Robertson Makes a Formal Plea to Assassinate Hugo Chavez
Next he'll be blaming all the wicked people in New Orleans for Katrina and saying that Sharon's stroke was caused by his concessions to the sinful.

August 29th - Katrina Strikes

September 2nd - Goodbye Little Buddy

September 5th - Gas Prices Reach All-Time High ($3.07 per Gallon - average)
At least we've got that new energy bill!

September 8th - President Suspends Davis-Bacon to Stimulate Rebuilding Hurricane Damage

Wouldn't want to pay people a fair wage, especially people who just lost all their possessions.

September 24th - Hurricane Rita makes Landfall

September 26th - Army Reserve Specialist England Convicted
And with that, all of the torture problems in Iraq were solved. Whew! Justice is served, and camera phones are not allowed in Iraq any more.

September 28th - Michael Brown says, "What can I do? It was an act of God."

Tom DeLay Indicted
This guy isn't smart enough to squeal.

October 3rd - Harriet Miers Nominated
The president after falling off the wagon did this on a dare. He later blamed it on the eight tequila shots and the three orange cosmopolitans. Oh Stoli, why do you have to be so smooth?

October 15th - Iraqi Constitution Approved
We have a theocracy!
  • we the sons of Mesopotamia - Already the women aren't included in the first three words.
  • land of prophets and holy imams - no more secular.
  • creators of the alphabet - they also did that Rubik's cube thing, but forgot to patent it.
  • cradle of arithmetic - maybe this just doesn't translate well.
  • where the first law created by man was written - now you're starting to sound insecure.
  • here the most noble era of justice in the politics of nations was laid down - what does that mean?
  • the followers of the prophet and the saints prayed, the philosophers and the scientists theorised and the writers and poets created - yeah, that's what they do.
I like Article 2(a): No law can be passed that contradicts the undisputed rules of Islam. No room for interpretation there!

October 19th - Media Circus Hussein Trial Begins
How about a trial for the crimes he committed with the weapons we gave him?
If only we had some kind of International Criminal Court...

October 28th - Scooter Libby Indicted
Scooter may have to spend some time in jail since he timed this a little early. On the other hand, Bill Frist and Tom DeLay will probably get the pardon while they are still on trial.

Scooter won't squeal. He's got the pardon coming, but Abramoff on the other hand is going to tell all. "And the walls come tumblin' down."

November 8th - Kansas Attempts to Surpass Texas as "Most Retarded State"
Intelligent Design will make them sleep. Yes... Intelligent Design.
I do believe in spooks. I do. I do. I do.

November 22nd - Xbox 360 Released

Did nothing happen in November?
I'm not going to mention Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

December 15th - More Elections in Iraq
Still no Exit Strategy

December 16th - Senate Blocks Vote to Renew Patriot Act
Huh? Aliens have taken over and are using common sense and reason in our government. What are we going to do?

December 19th - Rep. Conyers Calls for Censure
I'm sure everyone will agree to that. Heck, why don't we go ahead and impeach him? Oh yeah, cronies.

December 20th - NY Transit Strikes
This is part of the war on Christmas (along with the drought and fires in the south), isn't it?

December 21st - Senate Budget Passed (save $40 Billion sort of)

But no drilling in ANWR! Up Yours, Senator Stevens!

On a lighter note, the Official List of Poverty will now be open to millions next year.
Thank you Senate Budget!
  • Medicaid increase up to 10% (of cost of service) - It's mostly old people and kids. They don't vote, or have a lobbyist.
  • Cuts to deadbeat dad enforcers and foster care programs - Family Values!
  • $13 Billion in student loans gone - If you can't afford an education, are you really going to work that hard for it?
  • New 90% work participation requirement for public assistance families - No more sponges.
It is our duty to confront the deep, persistent poverty that has cut off generations from the opportunity of America - George W. Bush reading from the teleprompter in the wake of Katrina.

December 25th - No Christmas this year.
The war was successful and we've completely abolished Christmas. This constitutional amendment was ratified unanimously by all 50 Godless states.

Bah Humbug!

Things I wanted to talk about, but they just didn't fit:

Ahhhh, Tax Relief: It's the new crack.
John Roberts and Samuel Alito - Deserves its own post.
No Child Left Behind - Too serious a topic for this post.
Medicare/Medicaid - Too confusing, and old people don't read blogs.
Terrorism Indictments (or lack thereof) - No dates: No Indictments. Thank you Homeland Security.
Culture of Corruption - Too many people talking about it already.
Avian Flu Scare - Did Pat Robertson make this one up?
Poverty levels - Mostly affects children or people that can't read. Until now.
Health care costs - Maybe Canada wouldn't be such a bad place to live.
Torture debate - Let's send Scooter down to Gitmo and see if he'll talk.
Big Brother - No way! They're listening? I better be careful what I say.
Secret Torture Prisons - This is probably where I'll be reporting from next year.
Crime rates - Prison privatization, population and rehabilitation. Alarming.
Global Warming - Ice caps melting. Bye bye, Florida. Great. All those old people are going to move to Arizona.
Airline bankruptcies - Hint of things to come. Recovering economy, my ass.
Job Creation - 2 Million new jobs created in 2005 (over 3,700 Wal-marts and over 13,000 McDonalds in the US). 4.9% unemployment. Remember, since they don't count prison inmates/parolees, to keep this number low, just put the unemployed in prison. Poof!
Budget Deficit, National Debt, Trade Deficit, Personal Debt, Outsourcing, Interest Rates, Deregulation, Monopolies: Economy