Debate Analysis - McCain Take III

Part III - The next part of the debate (McCain transcript in blue - Comments in white)

I won't repeat the mistake I regret enormously; after we were able to help the Afghan freedom fighters drive the Russians out of Afghanistan, we basically washed our hands of the region. - This time we're going to take a shower and wash our whole bodies free of the region. That stuff gets everywhere.

The result was the Taliban, al Qaeda, and difficulties we are facing today. So we can't ignore those lessons of history. - These are resources like poppies and oil that we could have exploited if we'd just been involved in their development.

The Pakistanis have to understand that the bombing of the Marriott Hotel in Islamabad was a signal from terrorists that they don't want their government to cooperate with us (US) in combating the Taliban and jihadist elements. - Reading hotel bombings is a lost art like tea leaves and phrenology. There are very few of us left that are able to divine the true meaning.

I don't think that Senator Obama understands that there was a failed state in Pakistan when Musharraf came to power. - I'm just reading his mind right now, but that's one of my super-powers which is another reason you should elect me King, er, I mean President.

Everybody who was around then, and had been there, and knew about it knew that it was a failed state. - Which is why we have to coddle the head of the army that took over the government from a democratically elected prime minister and who then twice suspended the constitution. Perv is my buddy. I've been there. I've talked to him... in person. We shook hands. He knows how to run a coup. Arrest political dissidents and human rights activists. Shut down and take over the media. With only five (reported) concerted attempts to assassinate him, he's one of the most likable leaders in Pakistani history.

But let me tell you, this business about bombing Iran, let me tell you my record; - I have this speech impediment when I sing that changes R's to M's which is why some Beach Boys songs (my favorite group by the way) sound a little funny at Karaoke. Just the first "R" because bombing Oman would be worse than bombing Iran since they're supposedly our friends.

The person I admired the most and still admire the most, Ronald Reagan, wanted to send Marines into Lebanon. - Luckily I voted against that so that I could pander to you right now and tell you I voted against it right before 300 marines were killed in a suicide bombing. Also, I was able to name drop Ronald Reagan. Did I mention I admire him the most?

And then we had Somalia, then the first Gulf War. I supported that. I supported going into Bosnia. - Darfur? Where's that? Africa? Why would we want to go to Africa? What? Somalia was in Africa too? Are you sure? Even back in 1992? Maybe I wouldn't have supported it then.

I supported what we did in Kosovo. I supported it because ethnic cleansing and genocide was taking place there. - I did wait until it was over to support it because it's always good to see which way the wind is blowing, but better late than never. It was still fun to criticize Clinton for being such a sissy boy. He's in touch with his feminine nurturing side. A war of compassion. But yeah, I supported it. Genocide usually isn't good.

And Somalia, I opposed that we should turn from a peacekeeping force into a peacemaking force. - Because peace, like money, is easier to keep than make. I tried it once. I got this really cool color printer, but I put a picture of me on the hundred dollar bill and that didn't go over very well. Lucky I had some friends in the right places or I could have done some time for that one. It was Keating's idea. There are some perqs to being a Senator. I can't wait to see what a President gets. Do you think the mints on your pillow get any bigger? Imagine a mint the size of Ted Kennedy's head! Whoa!

I have a record of being involved in national security issues, which involve the highest responsibility and the toughest decisions that any president can make; to send our young men and women into harm's way. - I tried to send our old men and women into harm's way once, but they know better. Did you ever wonder why harm has a way and why would you send someone purposely into it? Hopefully you would warn them about it and show them how to skirt it or bridge it. Maybe we could build a tunnel under it.

A woman said, "Senator McCain, I want you to do me the honor of wearing a bracelet with my son's name on it." - I wish I'd talked to my advisors before I answered her because now I've got over 4,000 of these bracelets. I asked if I could just get one bracelet with all their names really really small on it, but I guess it's not the same. It's lucky I couldn't really use this arm anyway, but I sure am building up this bicep.

She said, "But, Senator McCain, promise me one thing; do everything in your power to make sure my son's death was not in vain." - I said, "No problem. I'll use it as an anecdote to get elected." And my opponent says I have trouble following through on promises.

They all say to me that we don't want defeat. - This is really surprising because based on most of the poll results I've been reading, at least one in three Americans does want defeat so when every mother I talked to said they didn't want the defeat I began to wonder. Was it statistically possible that all these women didn't want defeat? I don't know. I don't do math or computers.

I was in a war where we had an Army. It wasn't through any fault of their (not our) own, but they (not we) were defeated. I know how hard it is for a military to recover from that. And it did and we will win this one and we won't come home in defeat and dishonor and probably have to go back if they fail. - Because that would be really tough on these guys psychologically if we don't let them win. I know it's not a war. It's just an occupation and how do you win an occupation? If we brought these men home now, they would be so upset that their police action devolved into a civil war they would kick their dogs and yell at their wives. They would neglect their children or expect them to not give up if they were mired in a quagmire of homework. There's no telling how much this would cost in therapy. Maybe a billion dollars. Can you imagine? Then as soon as they get better we'd probably have to send them back. Awkward!

But the important thing is -- the important thing is I traveled to Waziristan and I know what our security requirements are. We will prevail in Afghanistan, but we need the new strategy and we need it to succeed. But the important thing is, if we suffer defeat in Iraq it will have a calamitous effect in Afghanistan. Senator Obama doesn't seem to understand there is a connection between the two. - Did I mention the important thing? About going to Wario-land? Obama thinks we can use the troops from Iraq to win in Afghanistan. The young are so naive. Hasn't he heard of a little thing called the Domino Theory? When will they learn?

If Iran acquires nuclear weapons, it is an existential threat to the State of Israel because the other countries in the region will feel a compelling requirement to acquire nuclear weapons as well. - With this existential threat comes an existential crisis and an existential angst which is actually an existential fallacy, but who's really paying attention? We're all curled up in a fetal position and John McCain is probably more like all our fathers than Barrack Obama, so he'll make everything better (just like he did in our childhood).

Now we cannot have a second Holocaust. - A shout out (HOLLA) to my Jew brothers. We got your back.

But have no doubt; the Iranians continue on the path to acquire a nuclear weapon as we speak tonight. And it is a threat not only in this region but around the world. - This is actually classified information that I'm not supposed to tell you, but since there's an election around the corner and a little fear never hurt anyone, I'll tell just you. Don't spread it around though. I could get in a butt-load of trouble.

Senator Kyl had an amendment in order to declare the Republican Guard in Iran as a sponsor of terror. Senator Obama said that would be provocative. - Serious? How could declaring the army of a democratic country terrorists be considered provacative. He is so naive. Provacative? Really?

But have no doubt about the ultimate result of them acquiring nuclear weapons. - They would never bother sending a missile into Israel with a conventional warhead. We all know they are just waiting until they can do it with style. I know they have missiles that can reach Jerusalem, but sending 100 small bombs isn't as cool as one big one, so they're waiting. You say, "That doesn't make any sense", but my logic doesn't have to make sense to you. I'm John McCain and I'm older than dirt so I know better.

I'm not going to set the White House visitors schedule before I'm president of the United States. I don't even have a seal yet. - Oh no you dit-unt! Snap! Does it burn Senator Obama? Let's see that seal now. Boo yeah!

Too much stuff to work with. Looks like we'll have a Part IV now...

Debate Analysis - McCain Continued

I have opposed the president on spending, on climate change, on torture of prisoners, on Guantanamo Bay [and] on the way that the Iraq War was conducted. - OK, I know I ended up voting with him on most of these things, but I did protest. Well, I muttered some expletives under my breath, but in my heart I was opposed. OK, We all know I had my heart replaced with a radioactive lump of Kryptonite several years ago, but I'm protesting now.

We are winning in Iraq. And we will come home with victory and with honor. And that [future] withdrawal is the result of every counterinsurgency that succeeds. - If this is success, you don't want to see my failures.

We will succeed and our troops will come home, and not in defeat, then we will see a stable ally in the region and a fledgling democracy. - And unicorns and fairies will greet you with flowers and cheers (and free oil).

The next president of the United States is not going to have to address the issue of whether we went into Iraq or not. - We can ignore history because it's in the past. If we keep hashing out blame about who knew what and when this or that happened, it's going to be really boring when we repeat it, like watching an old rerun of the Andy Griffith show. If we forget it now, it's new every time we do it, right Ang?

Senator Obama said the surge could not work, and it would increase sectarian violence, and it was doomed to failure. Recently on a television program, he said it exceeded our wildest expectations. - He actually said that "even people who support the escalation acknowledge that 20,000, 30,000 or 40,000 extra troops are not going to make a long term difference." and he thought the sectarian violence would increase (which still stands to be seen). "Exceeding our wildest expectations" may not be a good bar for success, but Senator Obama actually added a "but there's an underlying problem here in that the Iraqi's still haven't taken responsibility."

Senator Obama doesn't understand the difference between a tactic and a strategy. - A tactic is something that freshens your breath (cinnamon is my favorite), and a stratego(y) is that game we played back in the 60's that made us want to join the military.

They [US troops in Iraq] said, let us win. They said, let us win. We don't want our kids coming back here. - Because usually congress tries to do things to keep the military from winning, but this time we said, "OK, you can win just this once, but your kids are still coming back here."

Senator Obama refuses to acknowledge that we are winning in Iraq. - Because maybe he doesn't believe a fragile puppet theocratic pseudo-democracy with strong ties to Iran is worth 4000+ dead Americans and 200,000+ dead Iraqis with millions more maimed or displaced.

Our strategy is going into an area, clearing and holding so that people become allied with you. They inform on bad guys. And peace comes to the country, and prosperity. - If we can just occupy the entire world long enough to where people trust us, we can get everyone squealing on their neighbors and peace and prosperity will last forever. We'll call it Snitch-topia! Don't tell anyone.

Admiral Mullen suggests that Senator Obama's plan is dangerous for America. - Which plan? Dangerous like occupying Iraq or more like putting aluminum in the microwave? Who is Admiral Mullen and why do we care what he thinks about Senator Obama? When Obama is CIC, Ensign Mullen can go clean the head.

Osama bin Laden and General Petraeus have one thing in common; they both said that Iraq is the central battleground. - Wow! It's like they both have some kind of reverse psychic power to predict things after they've already happened. Are they twins separated at birth?

But if we snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and adopt Senator Obama's plan, then we will have a wider war and make things more complicated throughout the region. - Zinger! An oldie but a goody. Jaws of victory! Obama plans for failure! Why do you hate America and want us all to die, mister Obama?

If you're going to aim a gun at somebody, George Shultz told me, you'd better be prepared to pull the trigger. - That's why I don't aim guns. My trigger fingers don't work, but with a special handi-capable access big red button I can aim nuclear missiles at somebody. I'm prepared to pull that trigger.

I'm not prepared to cut off aid to Pakistan, so I'm not prepared to threaten it. - If we threaten Pakistan, they might stop accepting our aid? Is this aid some kind of Iran/Contra "aid" deal? I guess Oliver North needed something to do. This is like your Uncle John came to visit and was stealing your stuff and pawning it so you decide not to threaten him because he might go back home.

[Obama] said he would announce military strikes into Pakistan. - Just for the heck of it like lobbing darts at a picture of Robert Downey Jr. Surely we can all understand the desire to do this. OK, he didn't really say this, but it makes him sound kind of crazy doesn't it?

You don't say that out loud [about military strikes]. If you have to do things, you have to do things, and you work with the Pakistani government. - Even if you're invading Libya. Hasn't Senator Obama studied any recent history of the United States? If you're going to invade or strike another country, it has to be a secret like the Bay of Pigs. You don't say it out loud. You don't even admit you did it after the fact unless you were caught. Actually, don't even admit it then. Grenada? Never heard of it? Panama? Nice place to visit, but I'd never send troops there. Falklands? That was the Brits.

Now, the new president of Pakistan, Kardari (sic), has got his hands full, and this area on the border has not been governed since the days of Alexander the Great. - I've been there. I played an intramural football game there. I remember it well even though I can't remember Zardari's name. How can an area be considered "not governed" if it's under the control of the government? I think theres a small three foot square in my backyard that hasn't been governed since the time of Moses.

I've been to Waziristan. I can see how tough that terrain is. It's ruled by a handful of tribes. - OK, I made up that place (from Super Mario IV), but I've been there. I have this wardrobe that opens up to a different world where I'm a King... The tribes are very small. Small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, but the tough terrain is magnificent. Great for your quads. I have three houses there.

We have to help Pakistanis obtain the allegiance of these people. They've inter-married with al Qaeda and the Taliban. - And you thought gay marriage was bad...

And it's going to be tough. They've intermarried with al Qaeda and the Taliban. And it's going to be tough. We have to get cooperation from people in those areas. So we've got a lot of work to do in Afghanistan. - Did I mention it was going to be tough? Lot's of work.

So it's not just the addition of troops that matters. It's a strategy that will succeed. - Unlike most other problems where we can just throw people at it.

And Pakistan is a very important element in this, and I know how to work with him. - Pakistan is what I call the little green man in my head that tells me what to do.

And I guarantee you I would not publicly state that I'm going to attack them. - I would tell them their shoes are untied and when they looked down... POW! Right in the kisser! Why would you be honest and up front about military strikes into Pakistan? Wouldn't you want to undermine our higher moral ground with a clandestine illicit operation. If you tell your allies and the target, "We're not getting any support so we're forced to act on our own," you might get more sympathy, but that sounds like something Clinton would do.

Tomorrow night: Part III - STAY TUNED

Debate Analysis - McCain Statements

Prayers go out to the lion of the senate - that's the nicest thing you've ever called Senator Kennedy.

Everybody will lose their jobs, credits and houses if we don't fix the greatest fiscal crisis I've seen in our time - and I've been around a little while. - Everyone's a (fear-mongering) comedian.

This isn't the beginning of the end, it's the end of the beginning of the crisis - doesn't that just set it back about 30 seconds?

We've got a lot of work to do. We've got to create jobs and eliminate our dependence on foreign oil - in response to a question about fixing the banking problem. Maybe dependence on local oil is the answer.

I hope so. - Answer to question "Are you going to vote for the recovery (700 billion dollar) plan?" - Does he hope he might be present for this vote, hope he'll remember what he's voting about, or hope he can get his junior senator to sneak in a bunch of earmarks so that he can vote yes on it?

Sure - Confused Jim Lehrer clarifies the question, "you'll vote for it as a United States Senator?" - or maybe he's looking to rile Johnny up into saying something like, "No, as a goddammed American Idol judge. Jesus, who writes these questions?"

I warned about Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac... A lot of us saw this train wreck coming. - As US Senators we like to set up lawn chairs with popcorn. Train wrecks are cool.

President Eisenhower, on the night before the Normandy invasion, went into his room, and he wrote out two letters. - One real, and one that I made up for this anecdote.

Somehow we've lost that accountability. - That accountability that I made up in the fable about Eisenhower. It's been lost somewhere. Maybe it's here in my pocket...

People are going to be held accountable in my administration. - Like Eisenhower would have if he'd failed on D-Day and held himself accountable in my fictitious little yarn earlier.

Are you afraid I couldn't hear [what Senator Obama said] - In response to Jim Lehrer telling Barrack to address John directly. "SENATOR MCCAIN! DO YOU HAVE YOUR HEARING AID ON?"

I have a fundamental belief in the goodness and strength of the American worker. And the American worker is the most productive, the most innovative. America is still the greatest producer, exporter and importer. - Because nothing panders to the jingoistic crowd like nationalistic platitudes. All together now; U!, S!, A!, U!, S!, A!

And I still believe, under the right leadership, our best days are ahead of us. - Under the wrong leadership, we'll stray from the path of righteousness and abort all the babies, marry a similar gendered mate, burn all the flags, hire illegals to do our yard work, legalize marry-je-wanna and invite terrorists into our homes as "therapy".

We have now presided over the largest increase in the size of government since the Great Society. - yeah! Remember when those democrats tried to eliminate poverty and racial injustice - with your taxpayer money? What were they thinking. Education, transportation, medical care and urban problems! Those damn socialists. Why can't they spend money on real stuff like wars and bailouts?

The worst symptom on this disease is what my friend, Tom Coburn, calls earmarking as a gateway drug, because it's a gateway. It's a gateway to out-of-control spending and corruption. - What's worse? Calling Coburn a friend, or the slippery slope to non sequiturs. Isn't pork the symptom of spending (out-of-control or otherwise)? - "The first earmark's free. You'll be back for more."

We have former members of Congress now residing in federal prison because of the evils of this earmarking and pork-barrel spending. - Not because they were bad people who lie, cheat and steal. They were sucked into the powerful temptation of the easy earmark. How many lives have you crushed with your wily ways?!

You know, we spent $3 million to study the DNA of bears in Montana. I don't know if that was a criminal issue or a paternal issue, but the fact is that it was $3 million of our taxpayers' money. And it has got to be brought under control. - Ha ha - Criminal or paternal. That's high-larious... The really funny thing is the money was to see if we could take the bears off the endangered species list so we could start killing them again and exploit the land they lived on. Cheapest $3 million dollars we ever spent.

I want to assure you, I've got a pen. This one's kind of old. I've got a pen, and I'm going to veto every single spending bill that comes across my desk. - I'm not even going to read it. If it doesn't turn a profit or privatize something (like the mortgage industry), it's dead. Bob Dole gave me this pen. Where's my pen?

I will make them famous. You will know their names. - (Those earmark spending bill drafters). I hope he means infamous. "Senator Stevens! Come on down! It's your chance to win a million dollars if the price is right!"

A million dollars for every day that he's been in the United States Senate. - This is supposedly excess (earmark) money that has been spent in the last 6 years (in Illinois or the entire US?). Does this statistic insinuate that Senator Obama is responsible for this $2.2 billion in extra spending. This might have sounded like a lot of money a couple of weeks ago, but 700 billion plus another 300 for Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, AIG, etc. makes this sound kind of petty especially compared to the $300 billion in tax credits you're proposing for wealthy corporations.

Do you know that it's (earmarks) tripled in the last five years? Do you know that it's gone completely out of control to the point where it corrupts people? It corrupts people. - Sometimes I wake up at three in the morning and run down to the fridge looking for earmarks. YUM!

I have fought against it. I was called the sheriff, by senior members of the Appropriations Committee. I didn't win Miss Congeniality in the United States Senate. - But I was runner-up three years in a row. Damn you Senator Thurmond! Of course by the time you dropped out of the running, Senator Byrd became the juicy tart of the whip so I just gave up. Being sheriff is nice though. I got to wear a badge and a big hat.

Senator Obama didn't mention that, along with his tax cuts, he is also proposing some $800 billion in new spending on new programs. - He didn't mention it because you pulled that number out of your butt. Maybe I could be president if I said, "Senators McCain and Obama are proposing $800 quadrajillion in spending on new programs and they want to devour your first born child with a nice chianti."

The worst thing we could do in this economic climate is to raise people's taxes. - Really? The worst thing? I'll bet I could think of ten worse things than that. Take away their jobs, give their children and pets poison Chinese products, conveniently forget to help them after a hurricane, send their children to die in an illegal foreign occupation, make gasoline cost $4 a gallon, focus on stupid non-issues like gay marriage and immigration instead of health care and energy costs.

American business pays the second-highest business taxes in the world, 35 percent. Ireland pays 11 percent. - Why should businesses pay to operate in the best country with the best workers in the world? Shouldn't we just burden those workers so they will move to a different country? If we can shift the burden to the worker then we can get new businesses to move in here and hire H1B visa people from their countries and outsource from within while still disenfranchising the American worker.

I know that the worst thing we could possibly do is to raise taxes on anybody, and a lot of people might be interested in Senator Obama's definition of "rich." - His definition of rich is anyone with a prosperous, meaningful life with a loving and nurturing family. He wants to tax the spiritually rich people so if you think you're happy, you better watch your back. Barrack is coming to tax you away!

We had an energy bill before the United States Senate. It was festooned with Christmas tree ornaments. - It was very pretty and we all knelt and prayed to it for several weeks before we realized it wasn't going to pass itself. Funny thing, it was the middle of July.

Who fought against wasteful and earmark spending? Who was the person who tried to keep spending under control? Who's the person who believed the best thing for America is to have a tax system that is fundamentally fair? - ??? Shaft?

We've got to cut spending. We've let government get completely out of control. - Who do those guys in congress think they are with their spending and voting? It makes me sick!

Senator Obama has the most liberal voting record in the Senate. It's hard to reach across the aisle from that far to the left. - RIMSHOT - I'm here all week folks. Don't forget to tip your waitress.

How about a spending freeze on everything but defense, veteran affairs and entitlement programs? - Really? Delay education, no more loans, no elections, no federal prisons, no IRS, no funding for courts? What about right to a speedy trial? FDA, FCC, FAA, OSHA? Just take a 6 month leave (unpaid of course). Maybe this was just a joke. Oh crap, he's ad-libbing again. Someone get his medication!

Look, we are sending $700 billion a year overseas to countries that don't like us very much. - We can't buy their love? There's a million movie examples of why this doesn't work. We have to woo them with beautiful poems and sincere love. Remember when Steve Martin fell in love with Daryl Hannah? If he hadn't worried so much about his big nose, she would have totally just fallen for him. This message is so fundamental that the French even copied this movie (not as funny, but an interesting interpretation) with that Green Card guy. We gotta stop the bleeding.

A healthy economy with low taxes (not raising anyone's taxes) is the best recipe for eventually having our economy recover. - OK, so as long as we start with a healthy economy we'll eventually have our enconomy recover (to be not healthy)? Does no one listen to these words you say with that mouth on your face in the middle of your head sitting squarely on those shoulders wobbling around and around and around? Argh!

We owe China $500 billion. - Again, this used to sound like a lot of money until you just decided you could pull $700 billion out of your butt (overnight) to help some rich banker people. $500 billion to China? We'll just start packing our lunch instead of eating that expensive fast food.

It's well-known that I have not been elected Miss Congeniality in the United States Senate nor with the administration. - Actually with the administration I was elected Miss Delightful twice and I did win Congeniality once, but they revoked my crown when they found out about the collagen injections. I petitioned the pageant academy that it was no different than the botox Senator Clinton used to win the year before, but the rules were explicitly clear.

I have a long record and you know very well that I'm a maverick of the Senate and I'm happy to say that I've got a partner that's a good maverick along with me now. - Pow, pow! I'm a cowboy and this is my cowgirl pardner! Here's my six shooter. I'm the sheriff and she's Miss Congeniality. We're going to fix everything. We've got traditional values, so Miss Palin will be cooking and cleaning and doing all the White House work. We're really going to clean things up and by "we" I mean "she".

Part II - Tomorrow...

Monkey and a Bowling Ball

It must be the latest fraternity joke from the GOP. Eight years ago we were all so happy that George W. Bush won the party candidacy against John McCain because everyone thought, "this unstable dullard child in an old guy's body won't stand a chance against a reserved, intelligent and experienced leader like Al Gore." Well, we were partially right because they hadn't completely finished their evil empire rigging of the voting machines, so they needed a little help from a "stacked deck" supreme court, but...

You would think that people would be a little irate at the guy that pissed off the rest of the world by choosing not to participate in any treaties, dropped the ball on 9/11, started an illegal occupation that killed who knows how many people based on a bold-faced lie, gave us the Patriot Act, Gitmo complete with extraordinary rendition, Enron/WorldCom, Katrina, The War on Terror, faith-based something, a new bankruptcy law, a complete housing market crash, tax-cuts to create a gazillion dollar debt, dropped military enlistment to the lowest level since Vietnam, a new coined term and - poof - millions of "islamo-fascists", more destroyed jobs and lowered wage standards while increasing inflation rates, no expectation of privacy (for our own protection), automated and streamlined war and hurricane profiteering, more time vacationing than any other president (with still over a year left in office), totally blew any chance we had of fixing or reducing global warming by ignoring it, wrote more signing statements (equivalent to a line-item veto) than any other president times ten (look it up), the man who brought us Donald Rumsfeld, Alberto Gonzales, Michael Chertoff, John Negroponte (again), John Bolton, Michael Brown(ie), Hariet Miers, Scooter Libby, Jack Abramoff, John Roberts, Samuel Alito, ... That's just the things I can think of off the top of my head.

So now there are polls saying the doddering old fool and the slow-witted gun-toting milf are running neck and neck against the most charismatic, intelligent and experienced democratic ticket we've ever seen; two guys that ooze integrity from every pore. If you could get Ward Cleaver and Jim Anderson to run together (or even Hugh Beaumont and Robert Young), you couldn't have a more powerful, all-American, family-man duo than Obama-Biden. So what's the deal? Half the country must be brain dead or at least hypnotized by some evil entity that tells them Democrats are like syphilus. Vote for anything but...

It's working so well, they've given up trying to find a good presidential-ish candidate. It's all a game. In the next election they're going to nominate a monkey and a bowling ball and they're still going to win.

Obama Speech

This is a speech I believe Barrack Obama should give. I wrote it, but I know he really believes it.

Help us Obama-wan, you're our only hope.

People ask me about my opponent(s) or ask me to comment on something they said and it's frustrating because a campaign is not about which candidate is better. The opinion of one candidate about another is even less important. The bottom line is whether you as a voter 1) know what your candidate is trying to accomplish in office, 2) believe your candidate will do everything they can to pursue that goal, and 3) trust your candidate is competent and efficient in solving the problems to achieve those goals.

Transparency should be the campaign core and lead directly to a candidate's philosophy in office. If you don't know what I want to accomplish for you, then you can't tell me when I'm wrong. I've heard people complain when a leader listens to polls or public opinion, but I'm supposed to be the voice of the people not the mind, so how can I be your voice if I don't listen to you. Some decisions will be ethical dilemmas and some will be difficult, but I trust the majority of American people are principled and even when it's hard to make the right decision, they know the proper path. I also know some of you think the country has lost its way and we need a new moral compass, but this is being overly pessimistic and it's an easy way to blame the people for a problem of poor government or lack of leadership.

When people are pessimistic about the future, it's difficult to make the right choice. When you think there's no one at the helm, what incentive is there to focus on your responsibilities? When you know that I trust you, I believe you will trust me. When I show you everything I want to do for you (nothing behind closed doors unless it's a national security issue), you will know I'm trying to help us all forge a path to success. When everyone in the world can see we're back on course and we're a good neighbor again, the only losers will be the forces that fight against our strength of unity as a world community.

I'm not going to talk about my opponents because I don't have to. I'm going to tell you how my policies are different than theirs, but most of you already know this. You're smart enough to tell when someone is lying to you, so I'm not even worried about their lies (if there are any). If someone asks me about my plans, I'll tell you the truth, but I'm not going to talk about whether I believe my opponents will follow through on their promises, because it's not my place and you've got plenty of media coverage and history to come to your own conclusions.

If you want a soap opera of attacks, it's not coming from this campaign. You should look for a different party. If you want to know what I believe, ask me and I will be blunt and concise. If you don't trust that I want to do what I say, tell me and we'll talk about that. If you don't believe I'm capable of making these changes, then try me because I'm going to make history.

Compassion

I'm probably the most hypocritical person in the world to talk about compassion. When a story about a kid drowning or a puppy getting crushed comes on the news I close my eyes, stick my fingers in my ears and say "la la laaaa", because I don't want to feel sad and there are a lot of things to feel sad about right now. Back in the 60's and early 70's, there was graphic gore on the TV every night of our children being slaughtered in a strange land and while this would have cured me of the television addiction I have today, I don't understand how someone could live through this without learning a little bit about compassion. Supposedly it hardens or desensitizes the observer. It makes you stronger.

Well I don't want to be stronger. Just like knowing the right foods to eat, the right amount of sleep and exercise and generally the right way to be a good neighbor or family participant, I know compassion is right in a civilized world. I hear people say we can't afford universal health care or free schools or day care for the poor or dental exams. I hear people say we should expect citizens to do more and government to do less because a welfare state is a state with no incentive to live (work). I hear people say by nature we are all greedy, selfish and lazy and we will take advantage of any help to do the minimum possible given the opportunity, but in the same breath they say we are the greatest, hardest working country in the world. I guess that's because we're the strongest and richest so they're not including those lazy welfare people.

We can afford five hundred billion dollars to remove a crazy leader from a marginal country which posed absolutely no threat to our commonwealth, but we can't afford (to try) to give everyone reasonable health care? Do sick people really lose incentive to work because they can go to the doctor for free? Now that chemotherapy is "on the house", everyone is going to go out and get cancer. I can't comprehend how someone without a job (or even just without a good job) can get stuck with enough medical bills where they could work (if capable) for the rest of their life and not make a dent in them. That is ludicrous. There's your disincentive to work.

It comes down to this; "I gave at the office." Nobody thinks they should have to pay taxes because they have no control over how the money is spent and they already give at church or some other charity of choice. Why should they pay for public education when they send their kids to private or charter schools? Why should they pay for prisons when they are good citizens and private organizations are willing to exploit that resource? Why should they pay for universities when they already have degrees or their kids won't benefit from state funded universities?

Why? Because we need a little fucking compassion, that's why! No wonder you think people are born with original sin. It's obviously the core of your Republican being. I don't really believe you all want the whole country to suffer while you trample and stack the oppressed higher and higher just for a better view. More likely, just like me, you are afraid to see the damage, so behind your D&G shades and underneath your noise canceling iPod buds you too are just singing, "la la laaaa."